


Coffee

by Blue_Hood



Series: Power Prompts [14]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Coffee, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Developing Relationship, M/M, Mute Tony Stark, Non-Canon Relationship, Role Reversal, Strangers to Lovers, Urban Legends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27391981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Hood/pseuds/Blue_Hood
Summary: Expansion of Chapter 44 of What Superpower Should Tony Stark Have?Tony Stark is the Coffee Man, an urban legend sung about and tracked like Bigfoot
Relationships: Nick Fury/Tony Stark
Series: Power Prompts [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1986601
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	1. Fury

There was a mystery and Nick Fury was determined to solve it, the mystery of the Coffee Man, terrible name but the people who coined it were running on three hours sleep over the course of a week and coffee. What started as a strange, minor urban legend morphed into a global phenomenon when people started posting pictures of their Coffee Man coffee and trying to get pictures of the man himself but he was like bigfoot, except they had more tangible proof of his existence and there weren't people trying to disprove it. As Nick thought over the case, he sipped at a mug of coffee that never seemed to run out. Maybe he too was sleep deprived for how long it took him to realize the Coffee Man was in his office. "Can I help you?"

The Coffee Man wore a thoughtful expression, tapping his chin in mime thought before shrugging, setting a drink carrier on Fury's desk and walking out. Again, Fury was a little too slow to respond but this time, he blamed the Coffee Man. Being the man he was, he- Fury not the Coffee Man- called his top agents into his office after that encounter. Strangely, the drinks in the carrier were all suited to their preferences, which made Fury suspicious (correction: more suspicious). "You really don't see how this might be a problem? This Coffee Man waltzed into my office and our security system didn't even recognize his presence."

Clint asked "Did he give you a bad cup? He never does that but maybe-"

"No."

"So what's the problem? He's just a nice guy."

"Has anyone ever heard him speak?" asked Natasha.

"No, he's the Coffee Man."

"Since when did that become a thing?" asked Maria.

"And who named him the Coffee Man, seems a little on the nose?" asked Coulson before turning away from his fellow agents to face the Director "You can send your coffee to the lab but every time someone else has done that, it just comes back as coffee, whatever kind of coffee it appears as. Nobody knows how he does it but since all he does is give people free coffee, nobody cares. Except you, sir, you care."

Fury sat down "We still have to Index him."

Coulson resisted the urge to roll his eyes, "Sir, the Coffee Man has been on the Index for years, his file's on the verge of becoming a sort of bigfoot spotting app with the way his location keeps being updated to keep up with social media."

Fury quickly checked that, to the amusement of all four agents, "His file's incomplete."

"He's the Coffee Man, he appears when you're in need of a cup of joe and vanishes when his duty is done," Clint began to literally sing the man's praises before Natasha clapped a hand over his mouth.

"There are several songs written about him, Sir. Everyone loves him and as his only power is apparently conjuring coffee, his status is clear. Is it not?"

Fury sighed and agreed before turning suspicious "Is it just me or does everyone get along a lot better when they're drinking his coffee?"

Coulson and Hill laughed out loud, Barton probably would have too but Romanoff's hand was still over his mouth. When they all settled down, Coulson reminded him "Every test imaginable has been run on his coffee and they've all turned up normal coffee."

Hill said "The prevalent theory is that the mythos surrounding the Coffee Man, portraying him as a happy, harmless helper has had a psychological effect on those drinking his coffee, acting as a relaxant but not a depressant. It's all in his Index file."

Clint finally slapped Nat's hand away "He's a mysterious savior, our Coffee Man." Even Romanoff and Fury cracked part of a smile at that.

When Fury got home that night, the Coffee Man was there but after reading his file, Fury agreed with his agents, he wasn't a threat. Shockingly, there was no offer of coffee from the Coffee Man, who just smiled and watched him, kinda creepily. "What are you doing in my home?" Pointing at his mouth, the coffee man shook his head. "You literally can't talk, is that it?" Nod. "Making coffee, that's all you do?" Another nod. Taking a chance, the Coffee Man put his hands on Fury's chest, backing him up against a wall before taking a step back. "You want me?" Nod. Mentally shrugging, Fury gave into the temptation. What could the Coffee Man do to him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Role Reversal in that Tony ambushed Fury (see end credits Iron Man 1 for their first meeting in canon)


	2. Thanos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blame/thank randomplotbunny (the original prompter) for this. In the comments of the original chapter, bunny asked:  
> I wonder if Coffee Man could tame Thanos with a perfect brew....

Fury asked the Coffee Man, "How do you pull that disappearing act?" The young man grabbed hold of his shoulders and Fury was overcome with a caffeine high as they disappeared then reappeared in some woods before returning. "You can teleport?" The man shook his head, kissing Fury before getting up and throwing clothes at the man. This had better be good, Fury thought as he dressed. The Coffee Man was passing him extra weapons, "I don't-" his unimpressed look managed to shut Fury up. Once again, that jittery sensation filled him but this time they appeared on another planet and Fury got to see the Coffee Man conjure his confection from thin air as he stomped up to some big purple alien in golden armor, dragging Fury by one hand.

The alien asked "What is this?" The Coffee Man handed over the coffee and led Fury to a burned out building, sitting at a bar to wait for the alien. The big dude came in, waving off some other aliens- subordinates, slaves, followers, Fury wasn't sure how to class them- as he went. Fury was passed a mug of his own as the purple dude sat down "Who are you? Why have you come?"

"People on my world call him the Coffee Man and he shows up just to do that, deliver coffee. Try it, you might like it."

"Who are you?" Nonetheless, glaring the whole time, the giant took a sip, his glare turned mulish and Fury almost wanted to laugh.

"I already gave you his name, now you give us yours and I might give you mine."

"I am Thanos."

"Nick Fury, friend of Captain Marvel."

"Terran."

"So is he, I think."

"You don't know?"

"He doesn't talk, at all. He just delivers coffee to those who need it."

"And you?"

"Guess I'm gonna have to do the talking, aren't I?" Fury had no fucking clue what was going on, it was sort of exhilarating. Until Thanos started waxing poetic about his plan to wipe out half the universe in a cleansing using something called the Infinity Gauntlet. Using his status as a primitive Terran, Fury got a whole rundown on what that was and started wondering about certain artifacts in SHIELD's possession. As the Coffee Man stared at him, an idea occurred to Fury "So you plan to wipe out half of all life in the universe?"

"I already told you-"

"Bare with me, I've never heard such conviction before in my life. Humans, our desires and goals are fleeting. Goals become part of a bigger plan that changes with the wind, y'know? Your plan is to wipe out half of all life not just sentient life, right?"

"It must be done."

"Plants are living, coffee is plant-based. You're gonna wipe out half of the coffee in the world. Listen, I don't know what he gave you. The Coffee Man can just read people and know exactly what to brew, and since you've never had a brew before, I'm gonna assume you don't know what kind of coffee you're drinking."

"Sacrifices must be made."

"Of course but think about this, and again, I'm just human so maybe I'm telling you something you already thought about. But if you randomly wipe out half of all life, the other half is gonna take a hit." Fury decided to try to put Earth problems in alien terms, "If a ship loses half its crew, it is much more likely to crash, right? That's not balance, that is chaos, it's the opposite of balance. On Earth, sorry Terra, we got these things called nuclear reactors and if they're not maintained right then they can overload and take out the whole surrounding area. Randomly kill half of the people on my planet, greed and anger and all those driving emotions will ensure the rest don't survive long. No people, no coffee. You need a plan for after you wipe out half the universe to ensure the intended result is achieved, you need some contingencies and on the off chance some of the people you piss off along the way manage to kill you, you need a proper heir."

"I have my children from previous cleansings."

"Have you chosen one to pick up where you leave off and wear the Gauntlet in your place? If you don't make it clear who succeeds you then your possible heirs will tear apart everything you have built fighting to succeed you. My planet's history is rife with such conflicts, we call them civil wars."

"You have given me much to consider, Nick Fury."

"You want a coffee for the road?" The Coffee Man smiled and conjured a barrel, "Looks like he wants you to have some more for future use." Thanos nodded and the Coffee Man seized Fury's shoulders, giving him that caffeine high as they returned. Finally, it hit him "You can travel to those who need it through your weird coffee powers?" Eye roll and a nod. He vanished and returned with a note from Carol. "Right. See you later." The Coffee Man backed him into a wall for another breathtaking kiss before vanishing.


	3. The Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bunny wrote a Coffee Man song

He's Coffee Man!  
He appears when you're in need of a cup of joe,  
And vanishes when his duty is done!

He's Coffee Man!  
Giving extra life to you projects  
When your workday runs long!

He's Coffee Man!  
Don't ask for his name  
Because he has none!

He's Coffee Man!  
Fighting the evils of exhaustion  
With his wonderful brew!

He's Coffee Man!  
Decaf to cappuccino  
He's got one for you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank randomplotbunny


End file.
